Welcome to your very own, brand-new Commonwealth of Postmodernism. The early stages of Idiocracy. Coming to you right now …

  1. World’s first postmodern capitalism, Chalmers edition. Praised by WEF for phasing-out that pesky private property anomoly.
  2. Tax feels less like a lean social contract for essentials and more like big fat cannula in the vein draining away your life. Oh jooooy!
  3. Local councils scrapped. 576 land councils replace them. Oh wait, don’t we already have both …
  4. 576 languages taught in schools. English scrapped. We’re all co-parents of your children now. One big Mummy state. Come to Daddy!
  5. We’re going to demolish the Sydney Opera House. Opera is elitist afterall. Instead of a Big Banana or Big Pineapple in its place, we’ll install a Big Mehreen Faruqi bathed in warm dung-powered eco-green light. Lit. Coooool!
  6. Lord’s Prayer out. Drag Show in, which can follow the Smoking Ceremony. Parliament never began so dignified. And family-friendly. All good. We’ll turn off the fire sprinklers.
  7. Prayers and repeated incantations still allowed. Not so much “Our Father …”. Patriarchies are sooooo yesterday. No, more like “We acknowledge the traditional owners …”. Say it once. Say it twice. Say it thrice. Who needs God? It’s a new take on theocracy, vested-interest version. You’ll love it. Apply for your government grants now.
  8. Change of job title. Prime Minister becomes Club Med Tour Guide for washed-up former US Presidents.
  9. Marcia Langton is sent to the Coronation. The Debarkle Markle suggests she make her new Voice heard louder by rushing Charles’ Throne and proclaim Westminster Abbey Yiman and Bidjara sovereign land. No Magna Carta to King John. No. More like a minerals royalty contract. Marcia The Magnificent. Winter is coming.
  10. Renters become owners. Owners become renters. New owners pay government-run banks $20 million mortgage repayments until they are 117 years old. New renters are evicted.
  11. Recently evicted renters are then evicted from the country and, under 576 treaties, sent to Nauru for diversity and inclusion re-education.
  12. China finishes the job of quarrying iron ore and coal deposits at Marxist rates.

Welcome to Postmodernist Australiaaaaa!

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